FCUK.

WORKING IS SUCKING THE LIFE & SOUL OUTTA ME. I WANT OUT. NOW.

Her misses.

I received an sms from Her. It goes, "hey i saw ur pics at friendster. u look great. i miss u. n i mean it"

How the hell am i supposed to respond to that??

I refused to wallow in the past n negativity that surrounds it. But i cant help but smile at her msg and leave it at that. I didnt reply back. Its not that im hard headed or too proud to tell her that i miss her too at times or even reply back a mere 'thank you'. But again, im doubtful.

I had a few conversations with myself,

"Is it true that u miss me? If u do, where were u all this while? Too full of pride/ego to sms or even call me? And why now? U're lonely? Going thru a bad time?"

I highly doubt that she's gg thru a rough time. I can tell, from her friendster shoutouts. My reason for not sms-ing her or calling her?

Well, i feel there's no more space for me in her life. She chose to be 'occupied' by time with her bf, too busy going out or talking to her bf on the phone to even talk to me or hang out. Thus, i made my exit.

Im not gonna go full on sappy on this. Its been what, a month?, since she last met me (with her bf!) under my blk to pass me back my bag. So, if she can make it through a month. She can make it through many more.

Its ME who cant. I miss her, badly. But my heart aches n is a turmoil of emotions whenever I think of her or of getting back together. And thus, i think choosing to be ignorant, is very much blissful.. True enough.

Heavy heart.

Bf is off n away to Australia for a reservist stint at 10 am just now n i said goodbye to him with a very heavy heart. I refused to send him off at the airport on purpose because it pains me to say goodbye and see the look on his face while entering the gate. I've done it twice before, sending him off for his fun escapades with his mates. And it sucked. So i rather stay home, and get ready for afternoon shift duty.

Its not like i've never been left behind by him before. But those times were just for a while. 5 days max. This time, its 3 weeks! I cant take 3 weeks! I cant bear to be apart from him for 3 weeks! *Emo mode*

I told him to 'take care' over n over again. I told him im gonna miss him numerous times cuz im afraid he didnt hear me the 1st time. I really am gonna miss Bf. Alot, at that. Im too dependent on him i dare say. I depend on him to wake me up, I depend on him to hear me out through my frustrated moments at work, I depend on him to accompany me on my bored n lonely days. I depend on him to give me strength. I depend on him for my dose of love n attention. No one do me better than him, my Bf.

I promised him that im gonna be good while he's away. And i intend to stick up to that promise. Come back home safely my dear...

i hate his friend

usually, girls seek for a good dose of fun n laughter with her gfs and go seek some retail therapy when they broke up with their boyfriend or is just really having a bad day...

I, Akirah Lee, went n cut my hair.
I bet u girls have NEVER EVER EVER seen me with a short 'do rite?
Dats cuz, i have NEVER EVER EVER had a short hair, EVER!

And now i have.

Al-Fatehah

Contrary to Fid's day at work, mine was a total madness.

I was on morning shift and as always, i took report, sponge pts, shower pts, check drips, give insulins, serve breakfast.. nothing out of the ordinary u may say?

at 9.30am, while i was transferring my pt back to bed from shower, i was alerted by a student that a pt on the opposite bed is unresponsive. When my fellow colleague went on to check on the pt, she collapsed. And then the whole madness began.

I'll never ever ever ever gonna forget my 1st real life resuscitation. No more observing, no more doing resusc on a mannequin during bcls course, this is the real deal. I was dumbstrucked for a lil bit but manage to recover soon enough and began running to push E-trolley, BP machine and SPO2 machine all at one go. After much that has been done, doctors declared her to have passed on. It just saddens me that pt is a malay muslim and it is the holy mth of ramadhan and that family had to deal with the death of a family member. I said my prayers when everybody have left the privacy of the closed curtain and closed her eyes....

Dealing with life and death every day makes me even more cautious of the health and well being of my family members and those close to my heart. Im worried abt my parents' health every day. It also frustrates me when my mom refused to consult a doctor regarding her health. I know she refuses to know what her health problems are because she dont want us to worry, but its tough.

Take care of your loved ones, especially your parents while they're still around. Respect them, fulfill their wishes and show them your love wholeheartedly. We only have our parents once and they're irreplaceable.

ARE YOU?

Phrase of the moment: TALK IS CHEAP.

That is my sentiments abt some of my friends. Dont just say it, ACTIONS la dey! ACTIONS!!

Bestfriends for Life? I beg to differ....

(DISCLAIMER: THIS WILL BE A FAIRLY LONG POST. IF U CANT TOLERATE READING LONG CHUNKY POSTS, THEN GO SMASH EGGS ON YOUR FACE!)

Bestfriends defination; (extracted from various online dictionaries)

• Two or more people who share everything with one another, knowing they can be trusted. People who would, if needed, take a bullet for their friend(s). Two or more people who, through all the new friends, new hobbies, new jobs, rough times, and high school, are always there for eachother, no matter how busy they are. A best friend is someone who can make you feel better no matter what. In some cases, the two or more part doesn't apply. It is quite possible to be your OWN best friend

• The person who you can always count to be there and catch you when your at your worst. Someone who knows all your secrets and silly little crushes. That person you can have a horrible fight with then go shopping for matching bracelts half an hour later. That one person you sit in her room all day jumping up and down listening to Dashboard confessionals singing your heart out with a mouth full of peanut butter.

• people in the world who lighten your every move and u miss more than words say when u are not together

• Someone that will always be there for you no matter what happens.

• A best friend is some one you can count on NO MATTER WHAT. This is a person you could not life with out even if you TRIED. You can just sit there in complete silence and know exactly what the other is thinking. This person owuld NEVER lie to you or talk behind your back.

• Someone who you can come to for advice. They ALWAYS give you the right kind. If they don't then they feel HORRIBLE for it. They make you smile WHENEVER your around them. You trust them with everything you have in you. They know you better than you know yourself. You can give them ONE look and they know what you are saying. You never run out of things to say, if you do then you just laugh about it afterwards. Best friends are everywhere for every one. and most of the time they are TWO totally different people, but it doesn't matter because you have the besssst time ever when you are around them. You have little secrets that are dumb. You have little groups that make no sense, but its so funny.Are people who are there no matter what. When they make a promise to you, they don't break it.And if they do, they ask for forgivenes. If there is a problem, they will try to solve it....but if they can't they will give you a sense of confort. They are true....and you don't have to question their actions or motives. Best Friends are real , true and will love u no matter what you do , And will always ....always....have u in their best interests!!!

• best friends is not a label, it's a PROMISE.
  person A: damn, those girls are always together! are they gay or something? person B: no, they're best friends, bitch.

• has no real definition. its just a word until you make it true
  -"your one of my best friends!" -"oh yeah? prove it."

• someone who still loves you when you fart in their face..

Apparently, after having spend 7+ years together as bestfriends, now i finally realize who and how she really is... All the promises, the bond, the laughters, the private jokes, the good times, the sacrifices dont matter and is thrown right out of her 4th floor window.. I think we're both just getting too old for this...

WTF? WE'RE ONLY IN THE EARLY TWENTIES?!!??!

My share of friendship hasn't been all pink and rosy for the past few mths. i've been trying and she's been trying, i can tell. but there is nothing left to salvage. she found a whole new level of 'fun' with a new friend. she got a new boyfriend whom is financially stable, good education, good family background, several personal vehicles.. (note, i didnt mention anything abt his character). and im happy for her. i really do. i tried to adapt and all..

Plus, i cant expect her to be bestfriends with me forever (though that wouldnt be too bad would it? it'll be nice..) Anwyays, i dont expect her to not make new friends, to not bond with the new friends, to choose her over me etc. that's selfish, i know. But her actions reached a point of neglect n abandonment towards our friendship. Our sacred friendship. Yes, if i havent said it a gazillion times already, i LOVE her. i really do. In fact, i always feel like i have to live up to this code of honour to protect her from potential harm or danger, be there for her in every sense etc.. Thats what bestfriends do. (Your welcome, dont mention it, now moving along....)

But since the arrival of her new bf, and her new 'close friend' it has brought a great amount of tension onboard the friendship. And my effort of highlighting this to her is in vain. She'll apologize, we negotiate, but its back to the same thing the next day. I think its time i stop acting like a doormat and actually head out of the door (no pun intended). We're grown ups now,we should be able to make decisions for ourself. She wont be needing me for a headstart of an advice and vice versa. I wish u well, Bestfriend. But i got feelings too despite u telling me that im always 'bitchy, got the attitude, my straightforwardness(which is a bad thing to her)' giving me the impression that im this cold, heartless bitch u pictured me to be. Well, i cant disagree but all of those are to a certain extent and only when necessary. U have changed into someone whom i no longer know anymore. Im sure we share the same sentiments about us moving along and this friendship is getting too hard to maintain without one of us hurting the other party without knowing and vice versa.

In the meantime, im glad i have this job to keep me occupied. Not thinking about her was hard. Real hard, i keep checking my hp every few times hoping that there's a miss call or sms from her (to all those who dont know it already, my hp is always in silent mode. work purpose. and when i reach hm i'll always forgets to switch it back to the normal ringing mode). Or going through all the old smses she sent back when we're much happier..

Gosh, this is some serious shit, we're practically married and going through a divorce right now. haha.

Anyways, its not that she totally did not sms me or call me. But i realize a pattern, the sms will always be affiliated to her problems(which i must insist, i dont mind listening. it can be pretty interesting at times), or asking if i hv a plan to go out. And when i say no, she'll end it at that. Somehow there's always this gut feeling inside of me that tells me that she's only asking bcus im the last straw. nobody else is free. Im no longer on her top priority lists anymore, besides her son n family. Dont ask me what is, im sure u could figure it out on your own, who is her top priority right now. To simplify, when there's no one else, and bf is not ard or not meeting her at midnight, only then, she'll ask me out personally.

I know, bcus i msg her new 'close friend' recently and asks her if she is gg out with my bestfren and she said................

"Oh tadi dia msg aku ajak dtg umah die sbb die bored. Den i said ok lah, can. But then suddenly, she said tak jadi, her mom asks her out. So i made other plans lor"

Wow. im hurt (emo sial.). That she did not even invited me over when she was bored n free, but instead chose to invite her new 'close friend' over. not me. not miss akirah lee. gosh. GOSSSSSSSSSHHHHHH!!!!

Oh and on another occasion, she was talking to her NCF and then puts her bf on conference call, and den i call

she said "Eh aku tgh bebual dgn NCF ar (of kos, she didnt use the term NCF, she used her real name) die tgh crite2 aku kol kau balik."

End of call.

Later on she calls me back and tells me interesting details from NCF's story and then.........

she said dis "Eh kalau aku tau aku tarok kau skali ar dlm conference tadi, jadi kau bleh dgr..."

to which i replied, "Ye lah, aku kan tak important."

to which she replied, "Takde, aku tak teringat!"

SHE WAS OBLIVIOUS OK?! she didnt even get my hint.

I REST MY CASE.

oh and i must say, i cannot name any characters in my blogs for privacy purpose. u may assume all you want who the characters are in real life. It may not be true and i wont bother explaining. so dont bother asking as i dont wanna complicate things. i publish this post simply bcus i need an output to ventilate. And nobody else understands me now that my own bestfriend is gone. Do not judge me bcus you can be going through the same low life period that im enduring right now. Bless you, for reading this and understanding that i have no ill intentions and i have nothing but love for everyone. I seek your understanding that i am only human, i make mistakes, and forgive me if need be, till then, you can continue basking around the sun thinking that u lead a better life than me when the truth of the matter is, it dont matter anyways. We're all gonna go to the same resting place one day and our good deeds are the ones that will fare us apart. Before i end, i have to let this out.

I LOVE YOU BESTIE, YOU'RE IRREPLACEABLE, AND I HOPE I AM TOO. IM JUST ON MY OWN NOW. WE'LL LEAVE IT AT THAT OK?